Turning 24

Currently I'm twenty four and a half. In my childhood, "and a half" meant a lot. If you were five and a half, "and a half" would give you an advantage over those who were just five years old. This half of year were quite interesting for me and I was considering to write about this much earlier. Perhaps I didn't because I was thinking it could all end when I put it on paper.

When you meet people, they try to guess how old are you. In my case it was usually women who were interested into this. Most usual guess was 24. These statistics gave to this number special meaning. In my thoughts, I expected something special to happen when I turn 24. Special things did happen. I'll try to name few of them, the whole subject is rather large for me.

First thing which I noticed that I was happy. That was quite noticeable because last few years I was suffering for most of the time thinking about my great love and a nice dream which could now only live in my imagination. This fact destroyed some of the meaning in my life. When I was unhappy, I promised myself to appreciate much more times of happiness. Now I felt free! Other thing about being happy was that there wasn't any particular event or happening which made me feel happy. It wasn't like when I was traveling and meeting people, or won the lottery, or whatever. Simple as that, I was happy. It's something which I care about in my life and now it was happening. Will it last long? Don't know. I felt something new was happening to me and that this is the time of changes. It was leading to something big. Step in the right direction.

Feeling happy and free, feeling of changes... I was aware of the changes so I was ready to experiment with myself and with my life. Looking optimistically in life was something which I wanted to give a better chance, and now I did. I was smiling a lot, feeling happy, trying to be positive in all that was around me and in me. Interesting experiment. Nice story goes about the game of pictionary played in December with my friends from BEST. My partner and me were one of the losers together with one other team. On the other side were 2 teams to whom the victory was smiling. We were stuck at the very beginning, many steps behind the potential winners. People were laughing about my partner remembering his bad skills from the last game. I was quite enthusiastic and optimistic. When we did wrong, I was saying we were close and almost won, and when we guessed good, I was "out of my mind". Focus was put more on the game rather than on the winning, although I was encouraging us to win. At certain moment, we had some considarable winning strikes which unexpectedly lead us to victory. Amazing and glorious winning! At that time I applied one of projects in BEST for a grant and we got good money for it. And so on... Things were going pretty good. Not for everyone. One of my best friend who was always happy, now wasn't very happy. Some of my other friends as well. Economical crisis in the world was a big issue.

Let's get back to changes. Every morning I made morning rituals. That was streching the body, breathing exercises, meditation, shower which included cold shower as well. I beleaved this things were important aspect of staying happy. One other thing was that I finally got a girlfriend. She was great and really made me feel happy even more.

Here are some events from that time which were rather cool. In short time, some interesting things happened. At the very beginning, I volunteered on "Healthy cities" conference held in Zagreb. Huge event with lots of "important people". My job was to lead the group of high-school students who were supposed to assist the guests during the conference. Great experience, mainly due to feeling of being surrounded by great team from Voluntary center Zagreb who invited me to join this project. Later on I joined them on some other projects as well. They even made few really cool parties. I made a good training of communications for BEST with my friend. Soon after that I celebrated my birthday. After that together with other volunteers, we made surveys with people on the street about how safe they felt in the city. At that time there were few really bad incidents which happened in short time and made people of Zagreb feel unpleasant. On 20th of November, my friend Enis celebrated becoming an engineer and finishing of studies. That day I left the group for a while to give instructions to a girl, get some money and returned later to continue with the party. In Purgeraj we spoke to few groups of girls. There was one girl which I noticed, quite special she was. I clearly remember how she was shining in the dark, much different from anything I've seen before. Passed near her few times and felt I should get to know her. At a moment, my friend was stopped by her friend which made me instantly move towards her. We danced, talked, kissed. I managed to get her number, which wasn't easy to my surprize. Told her about Pink Floyd and "See Emily play". She download the song very soon and kind of liked it. Next day I thought about her for the whole day. I knew I was falling in love. The day after, I participated on "Intercultural navigators - selection event". Met few interesting people. Very soon I got news I was one of the selected ones. We, the selected ones, participated on 3 modules, talked about conflict solving, identities, groups, sharing different thoughts ... Nice stuff! After the selection event, I rode to Split to join IFISO meeting organised by a friend of mine. It's always cool to participate on this students meeting. Sleeping in the dorm, meeting new friends, partying, discussing, ... Then I went to Ljubljana on Aikido seminar with Kenjiro Yoshigasaki. First time to see him and I worked with his woman as a partner and he demonstrated few stuff on me. I was really special, heheh. When I got home, Andreja sent me SMS and wanted to meet me. We talked for few hours and laughed a lot. I learned a lot from very instance when I saw her shining that night. And from this one talk I learned many other important stuff about her, her views to a life and relationships. It was hard to feel surprised about things which later happened, altough I didn't know what would excatly happen. I wanted to give it a shot. A week later we met again on Beatles revival bend concert, kissed again. I hoped it will turn into more than something. In the December I volunteered again, selling magazines together with homeless people about homeless people. There I heard few interesting stories. Later we had few short actions with them as well. On one occasion we were to search for some artists among them. I was sent to some rather complicated home for them to meet with them. It sounded like it was being done because we should go there as well, but no one expected much from that visit. Anyway, we managed to find some guy who does some drawings on the cover of cans. In January we had intercultural navigators module in a hotel. All the expenses covered. Nice meeting with nice people. I was working on my thesis and managed to get some good results which I could finally demonstrate. That was a huge step. My thoughts from now on were with my girlfriend. Even thesis has an important module which is called by her name.

I got a feeling people around me felt very good in my presence. Many people wanted to hang out with me more than before. Many girls wanted to meet me which was great. I felt like I was shining happiness through my eyes and my hands and sometimes with my whole body. Specialy with my girlfriend. She gave me a lot and is still affecting my mind, my thoughts and my mood. She made me draw. I really like all the drawings which I gave it to her. We enjoyed art, listening to the music, commenting it, discussing about my drawings and art of Trnski. We massaged each other. We felt good. We laughed. Something which specially meant to me was this feeling of special energy flowing through my body when I was near her. I'm not talking about falling in love, this was something different, altough it was present as well. Something similar I felt on 2 seminars with Kenjiro Yoshigasaki. It's feeling of love and peace in yourself and being more aware. Something like that. I felt like that when I was near her, massaging her, sleeping with her,... She is one of the people to remember in your life. One of those who leave a big trace even when she's not around. But she is there somewhere. Since she wants to be gone perhaps I should let her go as well. It happened and I don't like it ended... I could say that so many things seem to be connected with her. She influenced me. Even in other stuff, I was thinking about her when I was doing them which makes her present in many thoughts and memories.... Hope she also has a nice memory of me.

What about now? When she left me, part of me just parted with her as well. It was something too important and somehow it got to connected to her. Now it's time to feel this hole with something new, something better and stronger. I'm still doing morning rituals. Just until lately it wasn't the same. I lost a lot, too much. "Life is a bitch". But as the spring is coming, I'm coming back as well. It was good to remember this positive aspects of something which was here only until few weeks ago. Let's continue with experiments, work harder, enjoy more & develop. I got some new/old ideas. I'm trying to analyze less and think less. I'm trying to feel more. But I'm distracted. When I go out, I'm thinking about her and just feel isolated from my enviroment and real world. That's why I want to think less :) I have goals and I'll work on that. Perhaps I'm still on the good path and this was something from which I learn. I'm looking forward for some spiritual experiences and development.

Writing of this text reminded me about many good stuff which happened in last months. I feel much better at the moment. I was laughing!

20090321 entering a dream

She didn't read the message which was to be read today only. I just could not let her out of my mind. Not because of the message. Going out becomes a bit frustrating.

There are other things which could make me happy, like flying/levitation. Sometimes I dream about that. Here is brand new story from this collection.

During meditation I tend to relax, feel myself and become more aware of myself. I try to do similar stuff before falling asleep. Most of the time I don't remember my dreams. Most of my life I had problems with sleeping. That's why recently I don't just let it go, I try to make it better.

While I was lying on my back, I was observing darkness and piece in my room. Tried to relax, feel myself and energy flowing through my body. And I felt it. While enjoying it, I felt my body becomes lighter. Since I'm fan of flying, it fell on my mind to try to fly. So I tried.

Feeling of gravitation became less present, but I didn't put any attention to this thought. My upper body left the ground/bed. It was slow, full of joy and no confusion about this whatsoever. Then my lower body levitated as well. I went into a bit vertical position and pulled my legs to myself, since I still wasn't very high and didn't want to touch the bed. I could enjoy the levitation, move slowly through the room and observe everything around me as I wanted. Finally free.

I grabbed my mobile on the table. Opened camera and started recording. The picture was amazingly bright. It almost made me think it was a dream, because it was so unnusual. Instantly I threw away this thought. Since I didn't fall asleep, how could I be dreaming? I was levitating in the spot, moving and rotating my body.

After I recorded my room from higher altitude, I started to record myself as well. Suddenly mobile phone rang. I got SMS. Fuck! I was in lying in my bed! It was a dream after all.

What would happen without this SMS? Perhaps I wouldn't remember this sensation. Perhaps it would go into something more spectacular.

It was so amazing to notice that there was no moment of me realizing I was starting to dream. It was a constant flow of "my reality". Thank you!

it's hard

It's hard
not to notice
how attractive you are.

It's hard
not to want you
when you are so attractive.

It's hard
to live
without wanting you.

Is it easy to die?

flower that was never drawn

...on the painting which I gave it to her. If you don't understand this, you're not ment to understand :)

Am I so stupid? Why I feel so stressed while waiting 45 minutes in a stupid queue? Why does it hurt when I bleed? Or when I strech my body? Or when I'm late for the train? Or whatever?

Why do I feel cold while taking cold shower?

It is pain, but not the real pain. Real pain is feeling of being unable to help somebody you love. Or being surrounded by people and yet feel alone. Or being near her and still feel alone. Real cold is when I hug her and don't feel warm.

At least I can laugh. Only sometimes. When I see how stupid I'm when I feel cold but it's not real. And I feel pain, but it's not real.

I feel empty. There is pain and other feelings, but at this moment, I can only recognize feelings. When I look at my hands I can see how empty they are now. My hands are cold. They don't shine love and heat. There is no real energy, no power. It's not like before when you could feel me without me touching you. Now I need to touch you to feel me. And you don't feel the same either.

I wish for her to love me. And for me to love her. I am who I am and everybody else has freedom to love me (or hate me) as much as they want to. Freedom is fucked up sometimes. Anyway, I want her to be what she is, as well. Because I love her for what she is...
We dreamed about dying together. But since we aren't living together it makes no sense to die either.

one of those moments

Describing this could be compared to translating perfect expression in english to your mother's tongue, or even more difficult: from japanese/chinese to some indo-european language. It's just hard, but you should be able to understand 'cause of your experience. If you lack this experience, you should look forward to it!

This was one of the best moments in my life. Happened on Christmas. There I was in my room doing something. Suddenly it struck me like a lightning. It shaked my whole body & I entered 'nirvana'. Since I'm not still in this state but affected by it, I can't say it was real nirvana, but that's the closest thing which I 'know' about.

The time stopped. Or it flew away and it didn't matter. My whole mind was suddenly clear. All of my thoughts where silenced, my brain wasn't aware of what I see or hear. As my thougts started to flow away, my body&mind started to fill with happiness and love! It was growing outside of my physical body and started to touch my universe. There were no worries. My tasks dissapeared. My pain, everything that boddered me, little things (like chocolate) that could make me happy,... all of that lost their significance. Only thing which I felt was love & happiness filling me and all around me. So happy I was for this moment. It makes you feel good for being alive.

After few minutes I sat on my bad and enjoyed the benefits of this experience. I didn't care for anything else in the world. Except for love & her. In my room, there was a gift. A nice book wrapped in a nice paper. I even liked the paper 'cause she put it around the book. More beautiful part of the gift wasn't the book itself (although I liked it), but the note which was written inside of the paper. The note which put me in ecstasy. I could feel she understood the concept of love and I felt loved. The note says:
"* TO ME YOU ARE A WORK OF ART"

200807 Stockholm

From 20080708 Stockholm (pre-CE)

My trip to Iceland began in Stockholm. There I spent few days with some of my friends.
As the journey began, we encountered some problems. Dim had a air-pump for air-mattress which was broken when his bag arrived at the baggare reclaim. Then we noticed that Ema didn't get her bag at all. When we got to the hostel, Mislav discovered that his bottle of alcohol in the bag was broken, making some clothes wet&stinky. Few days later Ema's bag came to the hostel with the similiar problem. Even before that, Bero lost his booze from duty free in Zagreb. It was taken away from him at transit zone in Copenhagen.

our hostel

Our hostel was pretty cool, very cheap , with kitchen, just what we needed. We talked until late in the night. Drinking was forbidden, but cameras didn't catch us.

Supermarket can be pretty cheap so food expenses weren't an issue.

Around the city we encountered many cultural events. There were few exhibitions in the open. Jazz was playing near the fountains, nice to hear. We really enjoyed a lot walking around the city and experiencing its culture. Guys from the group noticed many beautifull mothers walking around with children. I think that group was actually the most beautifull women we encountered in Stockholm.

...if you'd like to minimse communication in the pub?!?!

One night collegues from BEST Stockholm invited us to the party in student dorm. There weren't Swedes at the party at all, mainly Erasmus students from EU. On one occassion I suggested some guy to be a gentlman and offer his seat for a girl. The suggestion was denied with reply: "In Sweden we threat women as equal. Therefore I don't offer my seat to a girl, since I want to seat here as well as she does. And we are equal." It was very interesting point & I was hoping to hear some reply from the girls, but there wasn't any. During the night we drank alcohol & played some games, like 'I have never-ever'. My conclusion is that games like 'never-ever' & 'bottle of truth' end up pretty soon with themes about sex. This particular session was dominated by Santiago and his many advanterus in various places.

In the hostel I met Japanese guy who was sleeping in the room with us. He didn't feel like joining us on parties & sightseeing but was interesting into talking with me. What was interesting is that he spoke some words of Croatian. The reason he stated was that he wanted to surprise one of his friends from Japan. He's traveling around Scandinavia, doesn't have money (hm..., he picked really cheap region to travel), his mother is giving him financial support. Croatian was a bit easier to learn since he studied Russian in Moscow for years. On the picture, you can find his bags locked. We were not to be trusted, I suppouse.

One thing not to miss is definetly visiting archipelago. We concluded that we should buy a house on day somewhere on that land. It was so picteresque.
Spending some time on the grass in Djurgarden can be nice as well. Not always. Some bird shitted on Dim. Upon leaving the hostel he broke full bottle of beer.

Summer 2008

This summer was again full of traveling. At the beginning of summer I didn't feel like passing exams so I was hanging out with my friends.

In July we visited Iceland. The nature was breath-taking, something very unique. Highlight of the trip was swimming in the hot river around midnight. On the way there, we spend few days in Stockholm. Immediately we decided to come back, some promissed to even continue their studies there :)

After that I went on the seaside to island Pasman & spend some nice time with new friends. Again enjoying the beautiful sea.

In August I visited Ukraine for a voluntary camp. 3 weeks there were really memorable, it was hard to leave all that and return home. Most of the time I was in the villages experiencing real Ukrainian culture. That's something really interesting, moving away from the cities on the trip.

Following posts will tell my advantures & some info about countries I've visited.

lunar eclipse

It's tonight (in my country).
Nice link about the event:
NASA - Total Lunar Eclipse
Check your timezones and visibility (where the map of the world is).

Go to bad earlier, if you need, or party until then!
Enjoy this global event