it's hard

It's hard
not to notice
how attractive you are.

It's hard
not to want you
when you are so attractive.

It's hard
to live
without wanting you.

Is it easy to die?

flower that was never drawn

...on the painting which I gave it to her. If you don't understand this, you're not ment to understand :)

Am I so stupid? Why I feel so stressed while waiting 45 minutes in a stupid queue? Why does it hurt when I bleed? Or when I strech my body? Or when I'm late for the train? Or whatever?

Why do I feel cold while taking cold shower?

It is pain, but not the real pain. Real pain is feeling of being unable to help somebody you love. Or being surrounded by people and yet feel alone. Or being near her and still feel alone. Real cold is when I hug her and don't feel warm.

At least I can laugh. Only sometimes. When I see how stupid I'm when I feel cold but it's not real. And I feel pain, but it's not real.

I feel empty. There is pain and other feelings, but at this moment, I can only recognize feelings. When I look at my hands I can see how empty they are now. My hands are cold. They don't shine love and heat. There is no real energy, no power. It's not like before when you could feel me without me touching you. Now I need to touch you to feel me. And you don't feel the same either.

I wish for her to love me. And for me to love her. I am who I am and everybody else has freedom to love me (or hate me) as much as they want to. Freedom is fucked up sometimes. Anyway, I want her to be what she is, as well. Because I love her for what she is...
We dreamed about dying together. But since we aren't living together it makes no sense to die either.

one of those moments

Describing this could be compared to translating perfect expression in english to your mother's tongue, or even more difficult: from japanese/chinese to some indo-european language. It's just hard, but you should be able to understand 'cause of your experience. If you lack this experience, you should look forward to it!

This was one of the best moments in my life. Happened on Christmas. There I was in my room doing something. Suddenly it struck me like a lightning. It shaked my whole body & I entered 'nirvana'. Since I'm not still in this state but affected by it, I can't say it was real nirvana, but that's the closest thing which I 'know' about.

The time stopped. Or it flew away and it didn't matter. My whole mind was suddenly clear. All of my thoughts where silenced, my brain wasn't aware of what I see or hear. As my thougts started to flow away, my body&mind started to fill with happiness and love! It was growing outside of my physical body and started to touch my universe. There were no worries. My tasks dissapeared. My pain, everything that boddered me, little things (like chocolate) that could make me happy,... all of that lost their significance. Only thing which I felt was love & happiness filling me and all around me. So happy I was for this moment. It makes you feel good for being alive.

After few minutes I sat on my bad and enjoyed the benefits of this experience. I didn't care for anything else in the world. Except for love & her. In my room, there was a gift. A nice book wrapped in a nice paper. I even liked the paper 'cause she put it around the book. More beautiful part of the gift wasn't the book itself (although I liked it), but the note which was written inside of the paper. The note which put me in ecstasy. I could feel she understood the concept of love and I felt loved. The note says:
"* TO ME YOU ARE A WORK OF ART"