it's hard

It's hard
not to notice
how attractive you are.

It's hard
not to want you
when you are so attractive.

It's hard
to live
without wanting you.

Is it easy to die?

flower that was never drawn

...on the painting which I gave it to her. If you don't understand this, you're not ment to understand :)

Am I so stupid? Why I feel so stressed while waiting 45 minutes in a stupid queue? Why does it hurt when I bleed? Or when I strech my body? Or when I'm late for the train? Or whatever?

Why do I feel cold while taking cold shower?

It is pain, but not the real pain. Real pain is feeling of being unable to help somebody you love. Or being surrounded by people and yet feel alone. Or being near her and still feel alone. Real cold is when I hug her and don't feel warm.

At least I can laugh. Only sometimes. When I see how stupid I'm when I feel cold but it's not real. And I feel pain, but it's not real.

I feel empty. There is pain and other feelings, but at this moment, I can only recognize feelings. When I look at my hands I can see how empty they are now. My hands are cold. They don't shine love and heat. There is no real energy, no power. It's not like before when you could feel me without me touching you. Now I need to touch you to feel me. And you don't feel the same either.

I wish for her to love me. And for me to love her. I am who I am and everybody else has freedom to love me (or hate me) as much as they want to. Freedom is fucked up sometimes. Anyway, I want her to be what she is, as well. Because I love her for what she is...
We dreamed about dying together. But since we aren't living together it makes no sense to die either.